13weeks6days

It's been a while. So here's an update:

We lost Carys at 13 weeks. And at that point, she had already been gone about a week. As of tomorrow, I'll be 14 weeks. So this baby has already make it 2 weeks longer. You'd think I'd take some comfort in that, right? Yeah...no.

For whatever reason I'd been getting that weird feeling again. Just a niggling little.....I don't know how to describe it, really. I pushed it out of my head though. Tonight Jesse asked to hear the baby's "heart beep" as he calls it. So he rounds up Quinn and Daddy and we all settle into the master to listen to the baby's heart beep. Only I couldn't find it. I searched and searched and searched. After about 10 minutes I told Steve to just get the kids to bed. He did, and I tried some more. Still couldn't find it. Texted my midwife in a panic and she called me and talked me into some Rescue Remedy and try again tomorrow. Instead I just tried again and after another couple of minutes.....FINALLY!

144 beats per minutes

So yes, as of right now, baby is still OK. Well, as far as we know, it's OK. Until our ultrasound, anyway, that's as reassuring as it gets.

Aside from my moment of temporary insanity, other news is:

-Dr. Miller, MD (Midwife in Disguise) has retired and moved to Ontario. This is devastating news for his patients, particularly the pregnant ones. Before he left, though, he prescribed my synthroid to treat my hypothyroidism! Halle-fucking-lujah!

-I've been sick as a dog with morning sickness. I gave and in started taking diclectin. Only one or two a day. Whether it helps or not, I'm not certain. Perhaps it's a placebo effect. And no, I don't take morning sickness as a reassuring sign - I was even sicker with Carys til 3 weeks AFTER the D&C.

-Mom and Dad moved home (again)! It's the 6 of us under one roof for a while. It's a bit crowded, but DAMN, it's good to have them home!

-Our house (the one Quinn was born in) is nearly ready to put up for sale! So glad this nightmare is almost over. We need it sold and are *hoping* we make enough for a downpayment for a new home. 

6weeks1day - Milestones

Yesterday was the 6 week milestone.

We lost of first pregnancy at 6 weeks exactly. It was rather dramatic and traumatizing at the time, though I now realize that, as far as miscarriages go, I got lucky. Everything happened naturally, I didn't hemorrhage, it was complete, and I got pregnant again right away. Regardless, it was a big loss for us....our first big trial as a couple, really. Every pregnancy since (there's been three), the 6 week mark has been a big deal for us. We hold our breathes on the 6 week mark and sigh with relief when it passes.

This time though, I held my breath but the sign of relief didn't come. And it won't. At least not for some time.

Carys died right around the 12 week mark, though we didn't find out until 13 weeks. She'd had a heart beat for several weeks and we'd heard it loud and clear, so finding the heart beat won't put us at ease either.

I'm scheduled for an ultrasound this week at 6.5 weeks. It's a bit ridiculous, really. I asked for the ultrasound for peace of mind...so that we can announce the pregnancy after being reasonably reassured that the pregnancy and baby are normal. I was aiming for a 10-11 week ultrasound....right before Mom and Dad arrive home from Doha. Around when I start to show again. But for some reason, they booked me in at 6.5 weeks. There may or may not even be a heartbeat at that point. If there's not, it's not going to be reassuring. If there is, it's not going to be reassuring.

So I'm thinking about calling the ultrasound department up on Tuesday and telling them I have gastro or something. (What ultrasound tech wants to be shoving a dildo cam cam up someone's vagina when they have uncontrollable diarrhea?) Hopefully I'll figure something out.

Due

This past week marked a very sad milestone for our family. May 8th was my due date. I fully realize that if the pregnancy had continued on as normal, I'd still likely be pregnant, and not yet holding a baby in my arms. My babies tend to get quite comfy and only decide to join us after the 42 week mark. Nonetheless, it was my due date with my baby girl. I thought about taking the boys out and buying a pink balloon and filling it with helium and releasing it from Signal Hill. And then I thought about how long it would take that balloon to break down (thousands of years, probably) and that some fish or bird might swallow it and die and it didn't seem like such a nice idea after all. Instead I posted a picture of a pink balloon as my Facebook cover picture. I think a couple people may have gotten the point. My mom obviously didn't. I didn't feel like spelling it out for anyone.

In other (surprising) news, I have a new due date.

We found out this week that we're expecting again. Our due date is January 16th. I've taken eleventy billlion pregnancy tests thus far, and it's pretty conclusive. We're hopeful, but given our 50/50 success rate thus far, we're trying not to get too excited.

As always, we're hoping for a very healthy, uneventful pregnancy. This one though is starting off a bit differently. I had my first prenatal appointment yesterday with one of the residents at my doctor's office. My blood pressure was elevated quite a bit. Having never had blood pressure issues before (with the exception of a very temporary incident of "pregnancy induced hypertension" around 38 weeks with Jesse), this is quite disconcerting. Several of my reading were 140s/90s. They had me lie down for a bit and then rechecked and it was still up. I have to go back next week for another re-check. I worked last night and went to bed when I came home. When I got up my head was splitting and my BP was 150/98. I called the health line and they assured me it wasn't bad enough to go to the ER, but to check in with my doctor this week (which I obviously plan to do).

So, I'm kind of freaked out. I feel like this pregnancy is already getting off to a rough start. And I'm really concerned about what this might mean for my planned home birth.

For the time being, I guess it's just a waiting game.

Answers

Anyone who's lost a baby wants to know why. Especially since, in the back of your mind, you always wonder if it's something you did or didn't do that caused it.

After our D&C, the baby and placenta were sent to pathology for testing. The OB had been worried about possible partial molar pregnancy (tested negative though). Chromosomal abnormalities were also ruled out. So we still had no answers. I had looked up statistics on miscarriage and apparently, at the stage we were at, there was about a 0.6% chance of loss. Pretty tiny.

So for the past few months, I've been wondering if it was something perhaps I'd come into contact with at work that had caused us to lose our baby girl. Exposure to X-rays? Medications? Viruses? I'm generally quite careful, but there are times when you have a critically ill patient and something is needed really quick and precautions go out the window....

I'd never stopped to think that maybe there was something entirely different underlying all of this.

About a month ago my hair started falling out. I have difficulty sleeping. My mind is "foggy" much of the time. I have an intolerance to cold. A Naturopathic Doctor friend of mine suggested I might have hypothyroidism. I knew it wasn't impossible since I'd had some "borderline hypothyroid" issues (now that I have the results in my hand I know that I wasn't "borderline" at all) when Jesse was 10 months old (back in November 2008). So I went to the doctor and got a requisition for blood work. Went I went for follow-up, he said my results were normal.

When I showed my friend the results, she told me that they were indeed NOT normal. She provided me with links to the American Association of Clinical Endocrinologists and the American Thyroid Association. Not only this hypothyroidism have caused the miscarriage, but it could very well be the cause of my secondary infertility. Which I've been dealing with since Jesse was a year old. It took 21 cycles to conceive Quinn and 17 cycles to conceive our baby girl. Apparently, hypothyroidism causes an increase in prolactin, which suppresses progesterone. Low progesterone can cause a luteal phase defect, which is what I have.

Of course, the next question is "where do we go from here?"

We do have a tentative plan in place. My friend is ordering a comprehensive blood panel to be shipped to a lab in Ontario that she frequently works with. Once I have those results, we'll be able to work on a treatment plan. I'm also going to go back to my own family doctor with AACE guidelines in hand, pertinent sections highlighted for him. Hopefully he'll see then that there's obviously something going on.

So we have something to go on and I'm determined to follow this through. I can't help but be bitter though. Maybe....maybe Carys would still be with us if this had been taken seriously back in 2008 and my thyroid issues had been treated. I still have a wicked case of the would-be's and should-be's.

Hanging in there

In Pregnancy and Infant Loss groups, "hanging in there" is code for "not great but not suicidal." It's what you say when someone asks how you're doing. Most of the time I'm just "hanging in there." Sometimes I'm happy. I laugh. I smile. Mostly at my kids and husband. But I still cry. More than I'd like to admit. I think about Carys all of the time. ALL.OF.THE.TIME. When I'm driving. When I'm cooking or washing the dishes or cleaning or doing laundry. When I'm lying awake at night. And I lie awake at night a lot.

It's been 14 weeks now since the D&C. I've now been not pregnant longer than I was pregnant. It seems like that should mean something. That I've healed and we're moving on. And we are. Or we're trying to. Moving on without her hurts though. I know I have to, but I really, really don't want to. It's like time is dragging me kicking and screaming into a future without my baby girl, like a mom drags her unruly toddler out to the car to get to whatever appointment they're already late for (a scene this family knows all too well). I know it's happening whether I want it to or not...just don't expect me to be happy about it.

The kids are adjusting well. For Christmas I arranged for them to have teddy bears with a recording of Carys's heartbeat inside. They love those bears. Jesse has actually taken his to school and to his home day care. I'm honestly not certain how it's been received, but he really treasures that bear. And I want him to be able to talk about the baby and know that it's OK to do so. He's told me he's going to keep his bear til he's "really old like Grampy." (Grampy is my grandfather.) Every so often Quinn comes up to me and asks if there's a baby in my belly. When I say "no" he says "baby died." "Yes Quinn, baby died." Then he gives me a kiss and a hug. He's really very sweet.

So, where do we go from here? We're trying again. It's incredibly stressful and daunting. Our last two pregnancies did not come easy for us. And while we're not over the hill, we no spring chickens either. If we get pregnant soon, assuming the pregnancy is healthy and I don't miscarry again, I'll be 34 when baby comes. If it takes a while to get knocked up, I'll be 35. I know a few months here or there don't make a huge difference, but being 35 earns you the label "advanced maternal age." I'd prefer to avoid that. I know I'm probably over-analyzing and over-thinking everything. But that's just what I do. I don't know how else to "be."

I really suck at writing. I never know how to end these posts. So I guess I'll just end it with the video for song that I've been listening to a lot lately. It's "Let Her Go" by Passenger.

It was a girl

I had my 6 week follow-up appointment today. Steve came with me. The OB read the reports and told us that they hadn't found anything chromosomally wrong with the baby. I asked if the report said whether it was a boy or a girl and she it did and asked if we wanted to know. I said yes, and she said, "it was a girl."

I was gutted.

I knew it was a girl, but having the confirmation just....I don't know....It hit me hard. Jesse knew our next baby would be a girl. He was certain. So certain that I had believed it too. And I wanted a girl so badly. Of course I'd have been perfectly happy with another boy. But now...knowing that we had our girl and lost her....I'm not sure where to go from here.

I want my baby girl back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Edited later to add:

We named her Carys.

Derived from Welsh caru meaning "love".
 

Numb

That's what I am...the vast majority of the time. Even my skin feels numb...at least until someone touches it and then it feels like it's crawling.

I'm not sleeping well, so my doctor put me off work til November 25th.

I'm not eating well either. I feel no hunger or thirst. Even after all day. At least the morning sickness has gone now (that took 2 weeks).

I feel like I'm biding my time til genetics comes back. Not sure if we'll find out any more info or not. I'd love to hear that this was a 1 in a million freak occurrance, but I have a feeling we won't get such reassurance. Sometimes I feel like I really want to know the sex of the baby, and other times I'm not sure I could handle knowing.

I want to get a memory box or shadow box or something. We don't have much at all from this baby. Just our announcement picture, a bazillion pee sticks, the ultrasound picture, and a card a friend sent us. That's all we have to remind us of this little life that we had with us for 3 months.

One good thing has come of this anyways...I started a local Pregnancy and Infant Loss Group on Facebook. My hopes for it is 2-fold....to provide support to parents going through a loss, and also to try to effect change in how NL health authorities care for parents going through a loss. I know that second one is a lofty goal and it might take years, but I've got time.